Help with Anxiety for teens

When Your Teen Son Is Anxious and Shuts You Out – A Parent’s Guide to Reaching Him Without Pushing

It’s painful to see your son struggling and refusing to talk. Maybe you notice changes — getting angry over small things, avoiding school, spending hours gaming, or saying he’s “fine” when he clearly isn’t. It can leave you feeling helpless and worried. You’re not doing anything wrong. Many boys find it really hard to open up about anxiety — even to the people they love most.

Connecting with a teen who wants nothing to do with you is all about compromise, patience and catching their best moments. If you want to spend time with a teen, be as accommodating and as flexible as possible. Accept that for every ten bids for connection you make, you will get knocked back at least nine times. Make the most of small moments. Timing is everything with teens. Just because your teenager knocks back your suggestion, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good idea or that it isn’t worth trying again. Food is great bait for tempting a teen who wants nothing to do with you into your company. Watching films and TV together with your teen provides a joint focal point which allows teens to engage with you on their own terms. However, the truth is your teen’s idea of fun may not involve you very much at all. But that’s OK. Right now, it’s all about their friends.

 Why Teens Find It Hard to Talk?

During the teen years, anxiety can show up in surprising ways. They might:

• Fear being judged or misunderstood
• Worry about burdening you with their problems
• Feel embarrassed or unsure how to explain what’s wrong
• Want independence but still crave safety and reassurance
• Even if they push you away, they often still want your presence and care.

Why Boys Often Keep It In?

Boys are often taught to be strong or handle things themselves. Even if you’ve never said those words, they hear them everywhere. So, when anxiety hits, they may:

• Feel ashamed or weak for feeling worried
• Mask anxiety with irritability or anger
• Avoid talking because they fear they’ll get emotional
• Struggle to find words for how they feel
• It’s not that they don’t trust you — they just don’t know how to show what’s going on inside.

How You Can Help — Even If They Don’t Talk

1. Focus on connection, not conversation
Try spending quiet time together doing something they enjoy — a walk, a drive, a film. Sometimes the best conversations happen when there’s no pressure to talk.

2. Listen to understand, not to fix
When they do open up, resist the urge to jump to solutions. Try saying: “That sounds really tough. I can see why you’d feel that way.” This builds trust and shows you value their feelings.

3. Name the emotion, not the behaviour
Instead of, “Why are you snapping at everyone?”, try: “You seem tense lately — are you feeling worried about something?” This shifts the focus from blame to curiosity.

4. Model calm and self-care
Teens pick up on your energy. If you’re anxious about their anxiety, they feel it too. Looking after your own wellbeing helps them feel safer.

5. Indirectly teach them the Psycho Education they need
Help them understand what anxiety is and what it needs – in snack sized pieces!!! Learn more (see end of document). Make this knowledge visible by modelling yourself e.g. “I was so stressed today because…. and realised my amygdala was ‘firing on all cylinders’ so I …. which really helped”. If you have a partner, get him to do this too…even if you both need to make things up. It is a way of drip-feeding strategies that will help him.

6. Offer help — but let them choose
Let them know you’re there when they’re ready. You might say: “Would it help to talk to someone outside the family — like a counsellor?” Sometimes hearing that it’s their choice gives them a sense of control.

  How You Can Help Him Feel Safe to Talk

1. Connect through activity, not questions
Many boys open up best when their focus is elsewhere. It’s easier for him to talk when it doesn’t feel like a “serious conversation.”

2. Keep your tone calm and steady
If he snaps or withdraws, try not to take it personally. You might say: “You seem stressed lately. I’m here when you’re ready to talk — no pressure.” He’ll remember your calm, even if he doesn’t respond right away.

3. Watch for signs, not words
Restlessness, headaches, anger, or avoiding things he used to enjoy can all be anxiety in disguise. A simple observation like, “You’ve been quieter than usual — tough week?”
can open a small door.

4. Let him see you managing your own worries
When you handle stress openly and calmly, you show that it’s okay for him to feel anxious too and also teach him how t help himself.

5. Offer options, not ultimatums
You could say: “Some people find it helps to talk to someone outside the family — would you like me to help you find someone?” This gives him control and helps him feel respected.

The ‘boring stuff’ you need to know so that you can help him!!!

Anxiety is a completely normal emotion, and it shows itself in many ways.  is multi-sensory and has a whole body-impact, which requires multi – sensory and whole body – based responses. Increasing our knowledge, through Psycho’ Education, helps us manage our anxiety more effectively.  Anxiety is the body’s way of responding to being in danger. Adrenaline is rushed into our bloodstream to enable us to run away or fight. This happens whether the danger is real, or whether we believe the danger is there when actually there is none. It is the body’s alarm and survival mechanism. Primitive man wouldn’t have survived for long without this life-saving response. It works so well, that it often kicks in when it’s not needed – when the danger is in our heads rather than in reality. We think we’re in danger, so that’s enough to trigger the system to go, go, go! When the brain perceives a threat, it releases adrenaline into the blood. As a result, we experience uncomfortable feelings because our body systems speed up, diverting blood towards the big muscles, preparing us to attack (anger) or escape (anxiety)

Learning how to first notice when we become anxious and develop the ability to steady our breathing to a calm and regular rhythm is the first step. By focusing on deep, controlled breathing, you can help your body and mind return to a state of relaxation and reduce the intensity of anxiety symptoms. Pay attention to the tension in our body then, and purposefully relaxing it slowly, from toes to head, continues the calming processing, allowing you to think more easily and rationally. Distracting then from returning to the thought that triggered you, reassuring yourself and thinking of something else, helps the calming process to complete and return you to a more able state of readiness to face your fear. It does need us to face our fears, in small manageable steps. The more we avoid the harder it gets. Involving others in helping us is extremely helpful.

Learn how to calm yourself first and then you can help him!!!

Some really useful strategies:

• Breathing mindfully – counting breathing in and out to steady. Practice daily x2 for 5 mins – use an app for Teen anxiety like Clear Fear https://clearfear.stem4.org.uk/
• 54321 Grounding – go through each of your 5 senses and name: 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can smell, 2 things you can touch, 1 BREATHE nice and deep and steadily 5 times.
• Listen to music, go for a walk, find fresh air
• Repeat a positive self talk Mantra “I’ve got this”
• Talk to someone who calms you down
• Say alphabet backwards
• Lean with palms pressed against a wall and push gently
• Mindfulness using ‘Smiling Mind’ App
• Relaxation techniques
• Safe place visualisation imagery

  Remember

He may not say it, but your patience and presence matter deeply.
Just knowing you’re there — calm, steady, and ready — can be the anchor he needs while he finds his own way to open up.

💚 If You’d Like More Support

Counselling can help both you and your son find new ways to manage anxiety and reconnect with confidence.

Counselling with Aileen
🌿 Supporting teens and parents through anxious times

📞 07759094879
📧 aileen.brindley@gmail.com
🌐 counsellingwithaileen.com