Understanding what assertiveness is?

At times, we all fear pursuing something we need or want to do. We feel afraid because we know someone else will be against this. It requires disagreeing with someone or asking for something. We are uncertain about how things will turn out. Often this latter fear relates to “What if” thinking. There is a dread of it not going well, which we call “catastrophic thinking” or a pessimistic outlook. Maybe we really struggle with this and have got used to assuming that it will probably not go well. This is not because we are willfully opposed to being positive. It is that we have faced many difficult experiences. These negative moments have not provided us with enough evidence to believe that we can cope. Assertiveness is not about winning at all costs. It is about helping to reach a reasonable solution all round. This can thus involve compromise.

Understanding why we can struggle?

Sometimes we are submissive because we are at the ‘mercy’ of someone else. This often happens in situations we cannot control. This can be due to a rude boss or a bully. It may also involve a person behaving in a way that does not align with our core beliefs. It concerns how we expect to be treated. Our anxiety may stem from fear of their behaviour towards us. Alternatively, it could arise from our fear of how we might react to them.

Sometimes our submissiveness stems from something experienced in childhood. We may fear losing love or approval from a significant other. This can occur if we disagree, are criticized, or are seen as ‘less than’. Gerhardt (2014) explains how this can be because of parenting that made love conditional upon approval. When children behave in ways that parents disapprove of, unfortunately some parents mistakenly believe the correct response involves withdrawing love. Some parents think this will correct the child’s behaviour. Children should always be loved unconditionally. They should be guided by showing them clearly that it is the behaviour that is disapproved of, not them. When the opposite has occurred, we may start fearing the loss of love due to our actions or mistakes. This sets up a fear of being our true selves. It leads to an overemphasis on people pleasing. We may also experience anxiety when disagreeing with others.

Understanding how it affects us

Anxiety about being assertive can lead us to avoid situations that make us anxious. Avoidance usually makes the problem worse over time. We initially feel relieved at not having to face something. However, over time, we become less able to develop confidence in our ability to cope. This happens because we lack the experience of discovering that with practice, the anxiety will reduce. Eventually, it will fade as we face our fears and confront our worries.

Understanding what it needs

Preparation is key. Your strongest position is one where you have already thought through how far you would be prepared to compromise. Assertiveness comes with practice. When learning how to be assertive in each situation, there are four really helpful approaches to being more assertive and they are:

1. Preparation is crucial
2. Introducing “The broken record” strategy
3. Preparing for criticism
4. Preparing to negotiate

These will now be explained further.

1. Preparation is crucial

Most of the outcome will be determined by how well you prepare yourself – mentally and emotionally. Think about how and why being assertive causes you so much angst? It is most likely because you don’t believe in/value yourself enough. Remember your right to be treated respectfully. You have the right to express an opinion. It’s okay to make mistakes. You can change your mind. You have the right to ask for clarification. Take the time that you need to respond or decide. For example, you might say “let me think about this”. You probably are more than happy to accept this in others. Now it is time to expect this for yourself.

We need to ‘worry well’ with a supportive other, if possible. Figure out what we can do or say that may bring about a change. Also, determine what we need to let go. Then we are better prepared to face our fear. Furthermore, remind yourself that someone else’s unkindness or unreasonableness is their responsibility, not ours. This helps us gain the higher ground. It gives us confidence to be our best selves. Think of unpleasantness like a ‘hot potato’ being thrown at us. We can catch it and let it burn our hands and make us miserable. Alternatively, let it fall in front of us and do not allow it to affect the way we feel. Give yourself permission to meet your own needs first, in situations like this. I think this quote fits well here. It is “If we are not accountable to ourselves, we shall wander the world seeking someone to explain ourselves to. We look for someone to absolve us and tell us we have done well.” (Nietzsche. Date unknown).

Show yourself self-compassion in order to increase your confidence and the likeliness of a good outcome for you. Showing self-compassion helps us feel less afraid of others’ opinions about us. It makes us less hard on ourselves if things don’t turn out the way we wanted.  We win some, we lose some…that’s life!!! We are all trying our best in life. We all have bad days. We lose our temper and make mistakes. We need to nurture that inner child within us all. We should believe in our right to be loved and respected, even when we have a different view at times. We must have the confidence to express this. We also need to cope with the consequences. Or in other words – (last quote I promise!) “You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time” (Abraham Lincoln date unkown)

So, mentally psyche yourself up. Visualise the process and how it will feel, and practice and prepare for it, using above and the following guidance that you will use when you confront the other:

• Be clear in your mind what you want, and how far you would be prepared to compromise
• Be aware of your own feelings, and try to stand back from them – don’t ignore them
• Catch nervousness and anger as soon as possible
• Use your calming skills to keep your “thinking brain” on and your “emotional brain” off – breathe, relax
• Keep your face warm and friendly, but determined, and maintain eye contact, slow down your speech
• Keep to the point. Don’t get side tracked. Repeat yourself as often as you need to. We call this the ‘broken record strategy.’ It leads us nicely into no 2….

• The broken record

Once you have prepared you are all set to be assertive. If you have prepared well and feel confident there is a good chance you will be listened to. However, you need to be prepared for the other person not playing ball. If the other person simply refuses your request or argument, stay calm. Know that you have thought about the consequences. You may go to higher authority. You might stop picking up jobs that aren’t yours. You may change the way that you’ve worked, etc. You might even ultimately look for another job! It will be a shame you will forced to do this but it’s better than simply giving it.

Alternately, you may find that they disrespect your statement rather than refuse your request. They won’t consider your point of view. They use manipulative criticism to make you feel guilty or just stupid. If they try to sideline your needs, stand your ground. If they deflect or deny, adopt the skills and confidence needed. Be persistent and simply repeat your point of view or request. This is known as the ‘broken record strategy’. Calmly remember you’ve decided you’re making a fair and reasonable statement so go ahead and assert it. Quite often you’ll find that the other person begins to listen if you keep repeating it. The great thing is that once you prepared the script, you can relax. You know you are being reasonable and what you’re going to say. Vary the way you say it each time if needed, so that you’re not using the same statement repeatedly.

• Preparing for criticism

You can stress proof yourself enormously by being prepared for criticism. Criticisms that get to us often hold a grain of truth, that’s why it can be so effective. The crucial thing is to avoid engaging in the criticism. Let it wash over you. Then get back to your argument. This is so much easier to do if you thought ahead of time just what might be thrown at you. Fielding criticism in this way keeps the situation calm. It allows you some time to think clearly. This means your responses can be controlled and reasonable. A really effective technique is to echo the criticism. You might say something like, “I agree I am not working as fast as I ought to.” Then add, “That’s why I’m asking you to make sure I get the help I need.” Acknowledge the criticism, agree calmly with any truth in it, resist arguing against and don’t get engaged. Then you can stay in control, think more clearly and reassert yourself with; “However the point I’m making is…..”. If you can accept yourself with all your faults, and then acknowledge them, it will not distress you. It also will not distract you. This can put an end to being hurt by the others’ remarks.

It also helps to use “Let them” and “Let me” thinking (Robbins 2024). Remember that no one ‘makes’ us feel bad. We do that to ourselves. We have a right to allow ourselves to feel, think, and behave in the ways we need to. Others have the same right. We may not like their attitude. We may disagree with their beliefs or responses to us. However, they have a right to do as they choose also. This seems unfair I know. In an ideal world we would all treat each other nicely, but reality is different. We can’t necessarily change other people’s behaviour towards us, but we can always change our response, which often changes theirs.  Remember “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In those choices lies our growth and our happiness.” (Covey 2004). The hope is to increase our confidence and thus our assertiveness. This way, we can help others see more effectively how their behaviour affects us. We might change them, or at least not let it bother us any longer. As Gerhardt (2014) says “To feel freely and manage our feelings in response to others is the ideal state”.

• Prepare to negotiate

The aim of being assertive is to reach a solution that is reasonable to all parties. It is quite usual to engage in compromise and negotiation. You need to be ready to do this. It will be easier if you:

• have already decided how far you will compromise
• have done your homework and got the facts to support you case and rehearsed your script
• ask for clarification of the other side of the argument so you know what you’re dealing with
• try to understand the other’s perspective –  you are aiming to be reasonable
• stay calm, respectful, empathic and never attack
• keep to the point and don’t get sidetracked

A good starting point in negotiation is to start with a phrase” I understand”… And then reflect the other persons situation and dissatisfaction as you see it. This approach achieves three things. It helps you get a sympathetic angle on the other’s perspective. It buys you a moment to keep calm. Finally, it tells the other person you are reasonable. If you do this, you are much more likely to set the scene for genuine conversation than an unproductive battle.

Finally, if it’s your boss who is being rude, there is a power dynamic to negotiate which complicates things. You might have to accept that you’re unlikely to change how they behave. Concentrate on mitigating the effect that their rudeness has on you. Rude behaviour can be a way of displaying power, trying to get their own way, or provoking a reaction. It can also be a response to stress, pressure, frustration, or some other form of unhappiness. It can seriously impact team morale and productivity, and even lead to aggressive and bullying behaviour. To tackle rudeness in the workplace, use all of the above. Try to find out the reason for the behaviour if you can. Stay positive and be a good role model for your team members. Don’t ignore it. Try and deal directly with it using any or all of the above. If all that fails, find a way to cope with it. Consider going to a higher power to raise a complaint. Alternatively, look for another job.

References

Vivyan, C. “Anxiety” (2015) www.getselfhelp.co.uk/anxiety.htm accessed 12/04/25

“The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking about” 24 Dec. 2024 by Mel Robbins (Author)

Gerhardt, S. (2014). “Why love matters”. Routledge.

Covey, S. (2004) “7 Habits Of Highly Effective People” Simon & Schuster

Kennerly, H. (1997)  “Overcoming Anxiety” Robinson