Understanding WHAT resilience is?

It is a phenomenon that enables children and young people to survive and function despite disadvantage and risk beyond that of the normal challenges of growing up. Masten describes resilience as ‘ordinary magic’. A key therefore to the promotion and recovery of children’s mental health is an understanding of both the things parents/carers can do to help build their child’s resilience and also an awareness of the protective factors they can provide that make children resilient.

In a resource pack produced by several mental health professional in Sussexa while ago, the following factors were proposed:

Resilience factors in the child:

 • Secure early relationships (attachment)

• Being female (I didn’t know this!)

• Cognitively advantaged

 • Easy temperament when an infant

 • Positive attitude, problem-solving approach

 • Good communication skills

• Planner, belief in control

 • Humour

• Capacity to reflect

Resilience factors in the family:

 • At least one good parent-child relationship

• Affection

 • Clear, firm and consistent discipline

• Support for education

• Supportive long term relationship/absence of severe discord

Resilience factors in the community:

• Wider supportive networks

• Good housing

• High standard of living

 • High morale school with positive policies for behaviour, attitudes and anti bullying

• Schools with strong academic and non-academic opportunities

• Range of positive sport/leisure activities

 I can see how all of these would contribute to developing a child’s resilience.

How do you spot resilience?

 A resilient child will have, or have had experience of a consistent, positive parent or care giver. They will present with a reasonable level of self-esteem, confidence and a sense of humour. They will usually have a circle of friends and be regularly attending school. A resilient child, when worried or under pressure, will tend towards problem solving behaviour and be less likely to show extremes of violence or patterns of avoidant behaviour.

Understanding WHY resilience is crucial to children’s future well being

Resilience is crucial for children’s well-being because it helps them navigate life’s challenges in healthy, adaptive ways. Here’s why it’s important:

Helps Manage Stress and Emotions

• Resilient children are better able to cope with stress, disappointment, and setbacks—whether it’s a failed test, friendship conflict, or family difficulty. They learn to regulate emotions and bounce back from adversity rather than becoming overwhelmed.

Builds Confidence and Self-Esteem

• Overcoming challenges builds a sense of competence and self-worth. Children start to believe, “I can handle hard things,” which strengthens their overall well-being and willingness to take on new challenges.

Supports Mental Health

• Resilience is a protective factor against anxiety, depression, and other emotional difficulties. It fosters emotional balance and reduces the risk of long-term mental health problems.

Encourages Problem-Solving and Flexibility

• Resilient children learn how to think through problems, adapt to changes, and find solutions. This encourages independence and helps them face both everyday struggles and more serious life events.

Strengthens Relationships

• Children who are resilient are better able to communicate, manage conflict, and form healthy relationships. Social support is both a source and a result of resilience.

Promotes Long-Term Success

• Resilience lays the foundation for future success in school, work, and personal life. It helps children persevere in the face of difficulty, learn from failure, and stay motivated.
• In essence, resilience is a key life skill that underpins emotional strength, mental health, and the ability to thrive despite life’s inevitable ups and downs

Understanding HOW to develop these areas

Here are five practical tips for parents in each key area to help build their child’s resilience:

🧠 1. Managing Stress and Emotions

• Name the feeling – Help your child label their emotions (“You seem frustrated”), which makes them feel seen and helps with self-regulation.
• Model calmness – Show how you cope with stress (e.g., “I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths”).
• Normalize mistakes – Reassure them that it’s okay to feel disappointed or frustrated when things go wrong.
• Teach coping strategies – Practice tools like breathing exercises, drawing, journaling, or going for a walk to calm down.
• Create routines – Predictable daily structure helps children feel secure and manage emotional ups and downs better.

💪 2. Building Confidence and Self-Esteem

• Praise effort, not outcomes – Focus on how hard they tried, not just whether they “won” or got it “right.”
• Encourage independence – Let them try new tasks, even if it means struggling first. Success builds confidence.
• Let them solve small problems – Step back occasionally and ask, “What do you think you could do about that?”
• Celebrate small wins – Point out progress, no matter how small, to help them see their growth.
• Use empowering language – Say things like, “You’re learning how to…” or “That was brave of you to try.”

🧠 3. Supporting Mental Health

• Listen without fixing – Sometimes just listening is more helpful than solving the problem for them.
• Encourage open conversation – Create a space where they can talk about feelings without judgment.
• Limit over-scheduling – Make sure there’s downtime for play and rest; constant business adds pressure.
• Watch for signs of distress – Notice patterns like withdrawal, poor sleep, or irritability, and seek support early.
• Model self-care – Show that looking after your own mental health is normal and important.

🔄 4. Encouraging Problem-Solving and Flexibility

• Ask guiding questions – “What are your options?” or “What else could you try?” helps them think creatively.
• Role-play tricky situations – Practice how to handle a friend argument or try again after a mistake.
• Teach them to pause – Encourage a moment to breathe and think before reacting impulsively.
• Talk through past challenges – Reflect on what helped them get through tough times before.
• Be okay with uncertainty – Help them tolerate not knowing the outcome by modelling flexible thinking yourself.

👥 5. Strengthening Relationships

• Teach empathy – Talk about how others might be feeling and why; ask, “How would you feel if that happened to you?”
• Support friendships – Encourage playdates or shared activities and help them navigate conflict kindly.
• Practice active listening – When your child talks, give full attention, which models how to be a good friend.
• Model respectful communication – Show how to disagree without yelling or blaming.
• Create family connection rituals – Mealtimes, walks, or bedtime chats build trust and emotional closeness.

 Reference:

 “Helping children to find  ways to function in a world where bad things happen” A Resource Pack Copyright © 2008 West Sussex County Council

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